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It was a knock like any other that stole my innocence from me.

I knew it was too late to stop, too late to go back when I cracked the door open. It was too late to throw on the breaks and stop the train. I tried anyway. I barely registered my horror by the time I got the door slammed shut. Tried to throw the dead bolt. It was too late. Some force from the other side of the heavy wooden door was already pushing it back open, a foot wedged itself inside the widening gap between door and frame, pushing farther into my life like the knife I felt stabbing in my lungs. I screwed my eyes shut and started counting. If i could just keep counting and keep the world out of my head then this wasnapos;t really happening. If I kept my eyes closed long enough then it wouldnapos;t be real. I felt the same terror that gripped me in the night when I was 6. The footsteps and the screen door banging were just like the sound of rattling pipes and wind that used to wake me in the night and leave me paralyzed with fears of ghosts and robbers and unnamed monsters. Iapos;d cling to my sheets and close my eyes and count. When I opened them again it would be alright. Iapos;d still be there and the world would be the same, monster-less and nothing would have happened. A voice was trying to break my hard fought concentration so I clamped my hands on my ears to shut it out. Rough hands jarred me, trying to break through the wall of denial I was erecting.

"This is happening. No matter what you do. No matter how hard you close the door or how long you pretend that Iapos;m not here, this will have happened to you."

The words began to sink in as I was nearing 543. This is life. This is the world forcing me to grow up in the worst way possible. Life isnapos;t like it was when you were five. Closing your eyes doesnapos;t make terrible things go away. Realizing that meant I could never go back again. The voice was right, this was happening and worst of all it was happening to me. I wasnapos;t going to change it or prevent it and knowing this was knowing I had lost all my childish illusions even the ones I didnapos;t know I had. You can assume that youapos;ve become an adult just by reaching a certain age but age is just a number, just like those numbers I was counting to delay accepting my new reality. The moment you lose your innocence you know. Growing up is accepting that all the counting wonapos;t freeze or turn back time. When you close your eyes the world doesnapos;t go anywhere, its not an ending, because there arenapos;t really any endings. The world keeps on existing.

It was like a switch had flipped, this knowing, this understanding. With one of the greatest sense of loss Iapos;ll ever know I opened my eyes. My innocence was gone, and I faced my disillusionment filled with the prospect of grief.

The first thing that registered was the lights on the police car. I remember feeling mildly surprised theyapos;d turn on the lights to notify the next of kin. He was dead, and no amount of police effort, or sirens, or shiny badges would change that.

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Its a pretty morning. Iapos;m in a fab mood.

Iapos;m in need of a job. School bores me and work keeps my mind off of drama and stuff, so, like I said, I need a job. Thereapos;s 2 chinese places opening right by my house, so Iapos;m going to apply for both. Wish me luck?

Iapos;m in the mood to spend money, so hopefully my mom takes me and Mikey to the mall, because weapos;ve been wanting to go for like a week now. And as I found out at the fox seckman game, my wardrobe is not cut out for cold nights, let alone rain. So I need a hat, and just clothes in general. I havenapos;t gotten anything new since we went to the lake of the ozarks, in june. Blah.

These fights are just shit to me. I really donapos;t care about a singe thing anymore.

I take back everything I said about nevershoutnever.

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ldquo;.....he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because heapos;s handsome, Nelly, but because he is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same...rdquo;
~ Emily Bronte

likte dette sitatet, ingen anelse hvorfor... Er i grunnen veldig hekta p� forskjellige sitater.. N�r jeg gikk p� vidreg�ende, brukte trehundre og femti kroner p� den store norske sitatboken, n�r jeg egentlig skulle brukt pengene p� mat og skolesaker.... Hehe.. Prioriteringer, hva er det ?�:)
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So, tenatively, the Host and I�have reached an agreement to stop haunting dreams- and be..... Civil.� At least throughout the month of November.� No more pissing contests or power plays- we quietly accept the nature of our symbiotic relationship.�

Plans for The Last Will and Testament have been.....sticky.��Setting hand on the�concept that is Elizabeth�Lynn is like trying to catch a wet trout with my teeth�from a stream...full of razorblades.� She doesnapos;t want to be disturbed�for an PRACTICAL�purpose- she�only seeks�to haunt the hearts and mind of those she touches- not to be exposed and�used, and confess.��

Too bad: I�brought�you into the world- Iapos;ll do with you what�I�see fit.� Live with it.

I�realize becaue so much of what the reader knows to be true was told through�the eyes of Helen Bellachinno- very little of the true nature of the beast has been heard in the words of Beth Lynn.��And as LMB�was the last few years of her life- there is a mountain of mistakes and heartbreak to be�covered- and tell how�she went from one place to where she ended up.��

Part of me has stratigically planned�to�model her tale after LMB in the idea of a window story-�telling�LMB�from Bethapos;s prespective while, at the same�time,�monologuing her life with the mirrored occurances of her present day.�

We shall see.��

CHV���

���
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Finished watching A Scanner Darkly. Itapos;s pretty interesting. A lot of the scenes seemed disjointed and a few characters tend to ramble a bit, but I think thatapos;s related to the heavy drug use by the main characters. At the end, thereapos;s a plot twist I liked and I felt like the ending gave the movie some closure.

Iapos;m thinking about reading the novel itapos;s based on. Itapos;s only 220 pages, I should be able to burn through that quickly. I feel like the movie left some scenes out that would have made the story make a little more sense, instead of just pouncing on the viewer at the end and having to explain most of the plot.

Robert Downey Jr.apos;s character made me lol so much.



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Due to have started college, I now have to walk home from the bus stop, which takes 15 minutes. Itapos;s very tiring - but lets face it, I need the exercise Youapos;re probably thinking, what the hell? Thatapos;s NOTHING, but to be who is a stranger to exercise, itapos;s a long time. And itapos;s a good time to just walk and think about random stuff, a time to be alone with no distractions, and I recommend it to everyone But what I noticed today, and have been noticing increasingly, is when I leave early, the streets are deserted, but the roads are so busy The people see me walking and stare, so at first I figured they were shocked to see a size 12/14 walking, but someone mentioned to me that they were tired of people staring at them when they were walking.
So why is it that walking is so shocking? It was a warm day, I was wearing a thin sweater, a pair of jeans and pumps and I was warm enough, so that canapos;t be a reason.
Iapos;ve come to the conclusion that the idea of walking somewhere is so strange to these people, when a car is so much more easy. Surely I must be insane? No, Iapos;m just happy to walk, after all why further pollute the world?I donapos;t think this occurred to them. How much money must these people spend on petrol each day? Now, Iapos;m not looking down on them - the minute I get my driving license I will be zooming everywhere (though in a bright green KA). But until then, I will tredge along through the winter.
However, this week I have been thinking about why these people stare as if Iapos;m crazy, why do they honestly think I shouldapos;ve got a taxi? So Iapos;ve been thinking more deeply about it, and I now see how it is a mirror image of our society. How lazy we have become, and how we will take the shortest route possible, even if we miss the best things in life. One thing I see, that these warm people in their cars donapos;t see, is the playground I walk past each day. Due to finishing fairly early, I see children playing in the park, wearing more and more layers, and their smiles are brighter than any car headlights. So keep your cars, Iapos;d rather walk.

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So yeah, another deleted scene. This scene is between Kara "Starbuck" Thrace and Leoben Conroy (Two) from "A Measure of Salvation." It takes place when Starbuck visits the cell where the sick/dying cylon prisoners are being kept on Galactica. I so wish they had left this in. This scene is incredible entrancing

Starbuck: You didnapos;t come all the way out here without a plan. What was it?
Leoben: You know what they say, if you want to make God smile tell Him your plans... My plan was to find someone to love and hope sheapos;d love me back. Then try anything to get her to stay.
Starbuck: Even if that meant using frakkinapos; lies and somebody elseapos;s child.
Leoben: Allapos;s fair in love and war.


This show really is all about love and war if you think about it.




When I first saw this scene I was totally amazed it had been cut out. Itapos;s so intense I was also thinking "Dayum Starbuck, that is COLD." That little wink at the end...and all of this in the face of Leobenapos;s slow and very obviously painful death process taking place before her... I mean, I get it...he kept her locked up in a "doll house" on New Caprica and tricked her into thinking they had a child together... But still... I liked when he talked about how his plan had been to find someone to love that she actually did look affected...like her rage was replaced a bit by pity, or at least some emotion other than anger.

These two never fail to captivate me when they are on screen together.

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